Déjà vous all over again

It's been a while since I last posted on this blog and I have written a few drafts that went unpublished. At times I felt I was treading water, with not much happening. Then things would happen and a few updates would be required in quick succession.

Of course, now events on a global scale have overtaken me and we are in a state of lockdown. If my 40th birthday party felt a little flat, well at least it happened! I turned 41 yesterday but no party was planned. In fact I was self isolating from my family even - a prisoner within my own bedroom.

But things have escalated somewhat. Since having a colonoscopy a month or so ago, I've been feeling progressively more grotty. Abdominal pain similar to that which I experienced a year ago has become more regular. Sleeping at night has changed from being something that was interrupted to something that was nigh on impossible. A snatched hour or so when weariness finally outweighed the pain.

Today I'd had enough and ended up in A&E. (I had taken earlier steps like speaking to my GP etc). So I'm now writing this blog entry from a hospital bed very similar to the one I occupied a year ago.

I'm currently having a blood transfusion as it appears my bowel has been bleeding internally for some time. I've been given some antibiotics and some morphine for the pain. But most concerning were the results of the CT scan. Although I am waiting to speak to specialists - probably tomorrow now - it seems that the cancer has returned and has now invaded other organs such as my liver, kidneys and lungs. This was news beyond that which I feared.

Since the start of the new year, our church has been looking at the subject of prayer. My thoughts had continually turned to how we deal with prayers that God doesn't answer in the way we desire. Many people wrestle with this and few reach a satisfactory conclusion.

The Old Testament prophet, Habakkuk, was defiant in the face of a bleak outlook. "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour." O, to be able to match that attitude!

I was recently given a verse from Psalm 27 which I am clinging on to: "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Now any sports fan will tell you how confidence is a commodity that is very easily lost and which can be very difficult to rebuild. I'm praying that my confidence in my God remains strong and that I will indeed see and experience His goodness.

In these unprecedented days, I'd really value your prayers. Not just for me but also for the family who are not allowed to visit me in hospital.

Stay safe everyone and may God make his face to shine upon us and give us grace.